Mirror

I hate men yet I’m a man, I am a monster
It means I hate myself for all other mens sins and my own, I hate I have accepted it I hate i’ve internalized it
I hate being a man,I hate I don’t want to be a woman, I hate being human
I hate I care for all people even my enemies, I hate that so many of them don’t care about me
Even though it wasn’t my choice, I still hate I didn’t get a choice
I hate women, I hate I beleived they were superior in all ways even their cruelity, except I also love women for the lifetime of abuse, manipulation, and lies. I hate i love my abusers
I hate the love, care, and understanding that I have been given by women
I hate that i don’t love my friendships of my male friends
I hate being a victim, I hate being a survivor
I hate feeling loved when i was choked, I hate I felt needed being abused, I hate i needed to be abused to realize it, i hate that feeling physical pain turns me on,
I hate having to feel how it is to experience being a women in this world, but I hate that women had to do it to me to fully understand sexual assault. I hate that some women think I deserve it and are happy i was assaulted.
I hate that I let women use me, that I let them prey on me my entire life
I hate I didn’t allow men to get close to me
I hate that I’ll defend any women to my death, I hate I wouldn’t do this for another man
I love the women that assaulted me, yet I hate them, I hate myself for loving them and understanding them and forgiving them as it was happening everytime.
I hate my rage is rage, I hate myself for the rage I have. I hate that I taught myself at a young age not to have rage.
I hate myself for not loving men for the lifetime of abuse, like I love women for theirs, I hate that I dont treat other men equally
I hate myself for internalizing all of this my entire life, i hate myself for being imprisoned by myself.
I hate myself for putting myself behined bars with no key
I hate that I hate that I suppressed my dominant sexual nature, supreseed my showing of passion and love and desire, I hate that that nature is love and protection, rather than easy cruelty and spite others do to others, i hate that I can’t even protect and love myself and I hate that,
I hate that i’m a fraud
I hate I can never take the simple way out that I must always face even except for myself
I hate being so detached I end up hurting myself and others
I hate being cold as much as I hate being filled with passion
I hate that I am a pillar of strength for everyone else, but not for myself.
I hate that I will rip my skin off with my own teeth to help others, lift them up, Yet I won’t and don’t know how to lift a finger to help myself, i freeze because i hate myself for being a coward and being soft, I hate that I cry. I hate that im hated for having emotions, for not crying or crying to much, for not being able to keep my mouth shut
I hate that I care to much
I hate the sex wars, I hate I let myself get drawn in. I hate I had no choice.
I hate when I came back to social media i bonded with a lesbian misandrist right away, I hate that I still cared about her and helped her knowing I was being used and her hating me
I hate that I dont know happiness
I hate seeing other people talk about healing or are healing, when I dont have the capacity to even know how to heal myself
I hate I have to ask for help
I hate that all I ever have been is a means for others to keep strong, and not fighting for my own strength
I hate writing this, I hate asking for help when my pain is nothing compared to others pain
I hate my life, and I hate that I hate it
I hate that I’m a hypocrite, that I give love but dont know how to love myself and I hate that I dont feel worthy of love, i hate that I know I am worthy of love and don’t demand it back
I hate, do I feel better now that i’ve hated, that I’ve raged!

I hate that humans have to do this to heal, I hate others who heal into bitterness and anger. I hate forcing myself to look into the mirror at my failure as a man and as a human, but
I hate this mirror most of all the one im answering to now.

The mirror doesnt hate me
It illuminates without judgement
Revealing personal truth

What do i do now?