HUNGER
EROHERETIC – Hunger 🔞
Category: ecoheretic
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My poetry is dead
To those who pick themselves up in silence, un-noticed, lost, but won’t give up
I know how it is
To go through the daily ritual. Unwilling to yeild, but exhausted and tired
Some of us with partners that are cold and frigid, not giving empathy, affection or love shut themselves off from you, then you shut yourself off
Others, who are single, but with the same fire in your heart, to give it all, but nobody to accept your power and love, you shut yourself off
You feel deeper, down to the working foundation of others, to touch, express your heat.
Open nerves, always giving, just wanting that touch, the lips, the pressure, to taste, to experience.
©️ Jacob Pickard. 2025.1st published on Substack
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Ten A.M. – Snapcase
“And when it’s all too late
You won’t see me“
The opposition
Carcinogenic sweat that hides
The persecution
These hidden walls keep us aligned
Yeah, they keep us in line
Fourteen hours more
Covert tonight
The operation
A covert plan to get outside
The consecration
An archetype of a will that shines
Shining alive
Will you die or can we keep you alive?
When there is a machine gun on every corner
You won’t see me
When your every move is monitored
You won’t see me
When there is a federal eye in every household
You won’t see me
And when it’s all too late
You won’t see me
Ten A.M. · Snapcase
End Transmission
℗ 2002 Craft Recordings., Distributed by Concord. -
Illumination – Rollins Band
“Illumination comes so hard / Makes me see but leaves its scars
At times I wish that I didn’t know what I know now”
https://youtu.be/dJaKEOCAfDw?si=0uL7sBbiXntrk2Ka
I walked green miles of jungle / I walked through yellow miles of pain
I crossed starvation’s desert / Watched dead rivers swell with rain
The song of insects filled the air / Nights in cites of despair
Where killer’s sons said, son beware / And all the roads from here to there
I sailed the sea of desolation / Dropped my anchor there
Plumbed the depths of isolation / Walked its length and was not scared
Went from end to end to end / And then from there I went again
The road that only this one knows / Off to nowhere here I go
Illumination comes so hard / Makes me see but leaves its scars
At times I wish that I didn’t know what I know now
Thought and thought until I lost my mind
Looked and looked until I went near blind
The path is fair but so unkind
At night the highway’s diesel roar / Speaks to me and tells me more
Than any book I’ve ever read / Or anything you ever said
With silent eyes inside / I watch myself and worlds collide
The seasons burn and crack my skin / I stay outside and live within
Illumination · Rollins Band
Get Some Go Again
℗ 2000 SKG Music L.L.C….more -
This Mortal Burden Chapter 1 – Dark Future Sci-Fi
This Mortal Burden Chapter 1 This is a long read. Just a quarter of this novel I wrote awhile ago. I cringe at some of it, because I was younger, with a great lack of wisdom. Although I think I caught detail of the action pretty well.
This Mortal Burden Chapter 1 – Dark Future Sci-Fi -
Lover Solved – Real Love Not
Each of us has different definitions, some think it’s at first site, other’s a contract, still other’s an ongoing test of actions, some complete domination & control, or on the flip side utter submission & surrender.
I think most of us experience, males and females, all of the above in different degrees. And…..At different times of our lives.
I do know, that it is a constantly evolving system, that romance, desire, and passion that pulls you together can be broken, decay slowly, rot in place or it can intensify, grow, bond, connection will become stronger, bonded.
Love and staying in love involves each person to evolve, to adapt; because just as much a person puts into themselves in their relationship with their own self/body, a relationship involves extactly that same type of work that needs to be put into it. As human’s as we age we all change, so does our feeling of what it means to be loved.
*You put in more work and that effort is reciprocal with your lover/partner, and they meet you, you know that you are loved.*
*You put in more work and the effort is not reciprocal, to meet you, then you understand that their love is not the same as yours. It doesnt mean they dont love you in other ways, just not as a lover.*
It means they do not love you in the same way you love them. Both of your views about what love is are different, that difference creates friction, communication breakdown, and the decay i mentioned.
Love is a responsibility, love is giving yourself your vulnerabilities & strengths to compliment the strengths & vulnerabilities of your partner, so you both become better versions, grow as a persons, be as a unit, not a singular self, you are greater than the sum, when aglined the power you both feel is a feeling/time you will never forsake.
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Secret life of Meatloaf – LMN edition
Meatloaf Amorphous
1 lbs of pork, turkey, 90% lean beef. Ketchup, worschteahire, herb mix, season salt, pepper, minced onion, celery, breadcrumbs, & an egg.
Shaped
Loathed in bread loaf pans, don’t ask about the fat-stack. FYI, I was banned from finger painting in kindergarten if that helps.
Solid
Roasting indirect heat between 375 to 400 F.
Weather
Glaze: ketchup, worsheshire, unfilteted apple cider vinegar, hatch chili bacon (pre-cooked crsipy), lager beer.
Severe weather:
Sexy dressed meatloaf. Prefers oral.
Final form? Or is it?
Caramelized.
There’s more:
Sliced! What’s the occasion Add more sin for flavor:
Oh, being fried in the bacon grease, covered sinfully naked in glaze! Definitely a fetish.
Slathered, caramelized, and sliced.
Completed again, but ready to be put in sandwich porn form for your pleasure.
Meatloaf sandwich with horseradish sauce, mustard potato salad (not me), berry salad with a little sugar (not me).
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BSKY to WP-JP to SS back to WP-JP journey: Part 1
When did you begin your WordPress journey, and how do you manage it day by day?
Thank you Deepika, for the prompt!
Feel free to use any prompts for May 2026
I dont do writing prompts often. This is a long memoir, because my journey didn’t just start with me waking up and deciding to put my work online. It was evolution and adaptation that has led me here.
I think what’s more interesting is why i decided to end up using WP-JP as my chosen platform.
I literally have miles of written content & underground published essays, fiction, poetry, prose, illustration, water color painting, activism, political opinion editorials, zines, been in punk bands, music, miles of creation behined me over the long years. The majority in hardcopy, much of it now lost.
I’ve been writing in some capacity most of my life. I normally don’t write biographical peices, because as a fiction and prose writer my experiences are written in as code: I use them indirectly, I enjoy it, its fulfilling to world and character build, and the “act-of-writing” also acts as therapy.
I was Fully active writing until about 2002. After 2000 my focus went to education, I got a BS in Ecology, spending a few summers doing Marine Ecology based on islands both in the north Pacific and north Atlantic.
Me at a hotel drinkng retreat I set up in New Hampshire in the summer of 1999 when I spent 4 months doing Marine Ecology and working on Appledore Island off the coast of New Hampshire. In Wisconsin i did lot’s of invasive species work, herbariums for the Mueseum, urban forestry surveys, worked in a vineyard, etc…but Ecology jobs were in short Supply and I needed insurance. So I became a Field Chemist cleaning up Hazardous Waste. I traveled the midwest, plains states, and the south for about 2ish years, untill i got a Biotech job. I liked the travel, but my mind was on not getting poisoned, melted by acids and bases, or blowing up.
2010-2011: Alien Relay 2.0 an online political blog in the wake of the Wisconsin Uprising after the Republicans killed public unions.
In 2012: My writers block and a loss-of-self began…………Summer of 2019: I had a trauma reaction from my relationship that expressed itself in a long hypersexual period & delibating anxiety & dissociation, this unhealthy awakening would lead to something even more traumatic. I Dabled in hook-up apps, reddit, kik, AFF, etc….was catfished, scammed, grifted on…I failed in spectacular fashion trying to hook-up…I learned these things were not for me. You needed to be hard, cynical, and couldn’t trust anything. Funny thing at this time, I thought non-binary meant people who didn’t use dating apps. 😅 That’s either really cute or appallingly ignorant, I like to think a little of both.
December 2019: Covid fears start worldwide as China is hit hard in Chengdu.
January 2020: At the biotech firm we got a majority of are synthetic DNA bases from Chengdu, we started masking and gloving up in the material handling/hazardous waste department I ran. I often worked by myself for weeks, while coworkers were out due to early social isolation recommendations.
April 2020: Covid hits New York; by then i fully surpressed my needs. The biotech firm i worked for created Nucleotides, which were needed for the first few rounds of the MRNA vaccines, where i worked was one of the few places that made it and mostly for research before Covid. My Zoloft generic dose was doubled by my psychiatrist, i also started to become a serotonin zombie, increasing my already strong dissociation and suppressing my sexual needs. We would get a year’s worth of material in 3 weeks! Needless to say from the start of 2020 till when I was downsized/fired in August of 2022 (the corporation execs needed more ponies for their children). I was busy nonstop from the second I walked into work to the second I left work. I was 120% exhausted. However I am proud of the work i did, I helped save untold numbers of people’s lives by working with purpose, regardless of recognition I wear my work in that period as a badge of honor.
November 2023: On a November in 2023 on a Thursday i was locked out of the house, then I was sexually assaulted twice by two different woman in one night. I suppressed that trauma deep within me, telling nobody until January of 2025. Until this day, my immediate family does not know.
November 2015: I left social media, Facebook, in 2015 after I learned how Zuckerberg/FB with Cambridge Analytica’s help, helped Trump win by data-mining and targeting people. Being politically active, that was enough for me to quite, I also felt SM as hallow. In December of 2024 after Trump won, my politically active-self stirred and I joined Blueskye to battle X. Fact: Many X’ers that either left SM earlier like I did or it was their first time became active on Blueskye.
Holy Fuck! I was, we were, not prepared at all for what Social Media became!
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Drink – Alestorm
“We live each day like there’s nothing to lose
But a man has needs and the need is booze
They say all the best things in life are free
So give all your beer and your rum to me“
Heavy Metal Pirates! I Haven’t seen them live yet, but to me this is absurdity is at genius levels.
Piracy’s a crime and crime doesn’t pay
And we go home poor at the end of the day
But I’d rather live my life in rags
Than be chained to a desk with a wife that’s a hag
We live each day like there’s nothing to lose
But a man has needs and the need is booze
They say all the best things in life are free
So give all your beer and your rum to me
We are here to drink your beer
And steal your rum at the point of a gun
Your alcohol to us will fall
‘Cause we are here to drink your beer
We are here to drink your beer
And steal your rum at the point of a gun
Your alcohol to us will fall
‘Cause we are here to drink your beer
Drink, drink, drink, drink
Drink, drink, drink, drink
Drink, drink, drink, drink
Drink, drink, drink
We sailed Over the Seas for Wenches and Mead
And told great tales of the Huntmaster’s deeds
The Quest for a drop of That Famous Ol’ Spiced
Has shown us the wrath of Leviathan’s bite
We went Back Through Time to get more Rum
Though we end up Shipwrecked having no fun
But Heavy Metal Pirates we must be
So give all your beer and your rum to me
We are here to drink your beer
And steal your rum at the point of a gun
Your alcohol to us will fall
‘Cause we are here to drink your beer
We are here to drink your beer
And steal your rum at the point of a gun
Your alcohol to us will fall
‘Cause we are here to drink your beer
We are here to drink your beer
And steal your rum at the point of a gun
Your alcohol to us will fall
‘Cause we are here to drink your beer
We are here to drink your beer
And steal your rum at the point of a gun
Your alcohol to us will fall
‘Cause we are here to drink your beer
Drink, drink, drink, drink
Drink, drink, drink, drink
Written by: Christopher Bowes, Lasse Lammert Album: Sunset on the Golden Age
Released: 2014 -
Save Yourself – Boy Sets Fire
“Shut your mouth look around
This motherfucker is burning down
And nothing’s gonna save us now“
I’m cynical by watching the majority of the left become politicaly apathetic, self-deafeating, ignorant, complacent, arrogant, aggreived victimhood, isolated to their towers of self-absorption after Biden was elected gives me little hope for the future.
As a politicaly active person on the left all my life, the betrayl doesn’t come from MAGA or Republicans, it comes from the left and Democrats, because it’s been castrating itself willingly over the last 20 years.
So this is what you want
Choices are made and given up
I just cant comprehend the need to sit when you can stand
The game is rigged, the money spent
Shut your mouth look around
This motherfucker is burning down
And nothing’s gonna save us now
Get out… and save yourself
There’s only so much I can say
tried so hard to help you find your way
But every step a wasted breath of false hope and promises
There’s nothing to save, there’s nothing left
Nothing’s left of you today
Save yourself or die away
So this is what you want
Your choice was made, you’ve given up
I’ll never comprehend the need to sit when you can stand
There’s nothing left, the money spent
Writer(s): Nathan Gray, Joshua Latshaw, Robert Ehrenbrand, Charles W Istvan, Christopher Rakus album: “While A Nation Sleeps…” (2013)
BoySetsFire – While A Nation Sleeps.
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Duvet – Bôa
“I am falling
I am fading
I have lost it all“
This was the theme song or the Anime “Serial Experiments Lain”. It has never left my head from the first time ive heard years and years ago.
The song reflects & anime (to me), the disjointed, etherial, and dark atmosphere, like there’s a thing just out of your reach, but can’t quite hold it or see it.
Once you seek it, however, it’s heavy, foreboding, and descends upon you without warning.
And you don’t seem to understand
A shame, you seemed an honest man
And all the fears you hold so dear
Will turn to whisper in your ear
And you know what they say might hurt you
And you know that it means so much
And you don’t even feel a thing
I am falling
I am fading
I have lost it all
And you don’t seem the lying kind
A shame that I can read your mind
And all the things that I read there
Candle lit smile that we both share
And you know I don’t mean to hurt you
But you know that it means so much
And you don’t even feel a thing
I am falling
I am fading
I am drowning
Help me to breathe
I am hurting
I have lost it all
I am losing
Help me to breathe
I am falling
I am failing
I am drowning
Help me to breathe
I am hurting
I have lost it all
I am losing
Help me to breathe
Ah-oh, yeah
Ah-oh-oh, yeah
I am falling
I am failing
I am drowning
Help me to breathe
I am hurting
I have lost it all
I am losing
Help me to breathe
Written by: Paul Richard Turrell, Ben Henderson, Jasmine Rodgers, Alexander Caird, Lee Sullivan, Stephen Paul Rodgers
Album: Duvet (ScummV Remix)
Released: 2022 -
Border Line – Sharon Apple
“Meet me and hit me
Tiny and sticky candy
Kiss and eating
Are just the same things”
……………shiver down spine……………..
https://youtu.be/KtH-ARmGM0M?si=kc3_MUdRTtFNBQeQ
The borderline
The borderline
The borderline
The borderline
Red and roses
Lips and breath
Hair and dolls
They’re look alike
Smoke and mist
Night and midnight
The deep and hell
They really get me
Flip and fly
Heal and feel
Flower and poison
Are on the brink
The borderline
The borderline
The borderline
The borderline
Body and Jell-O
Crack and jazz
Arch and bridge
They’re look alike
Meet me and hit me
Tiny and sticky candy
Kiss and eating
Are just the same things
Free and fall
And love and low
Evil make you feel good
Can’t help doing that
The borderline
The borderline
The borderline
The borderline
The Borderline” is a song by character Sharon Apple and performed by Akino Arai. It is featured in the anime OVA series Macross Plus and its compilation movie.
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The Price Was High – Drop Ninteens
“I’m quiet as I’m kept and more or less concussed for years
But I can’t shake your body
So I shake mine instead when it’s time to percuss”
This song exudes femenine desire and yearning, it has a great shoegazer ascetic to it and a smooth laid back danceable beat for non-dance music.
The special way
The hunt began and ended with London on my mind
The nights from days
And letters penned in earnest with heartstrings sent unsigned
In a round about sway
Not a word, not a sound
All’s forgiven, anyway
Haven’t even slept, so
I’m quiet as I’m kept and more or less concussed for years
But I can’t shake your body
So I shake mine instead when it’s time to percuss
In a round about sway
Not a word, not a sound
All’s forgiven, anyway
Names escaped run amok with bottle caps for eyes
The nights from days ferried east and ended with no one getting wise (when was this?)
On the Champs-Élysées on no rest, you fluoresce
All’s forgiven for forgotten men and women, more or less
In a round about sway
Not a word, not a sound
All’s forgiven by the way
Men and women, it’s time to percuss
Written by: Motohiro Yasue, Paula Kelley, Steve Zimmerman, Greg Ackell, Peter Koeplin
Album: Hard Light
Released: 2023 -
White Whale
I have no white whale to consume my soul, I am that white whale. Born a beast a monster: failures, oppression, hurt, murder, rape, death, genocide, femicide, and even your internal misery. I am your enemy i am your monster. qualities you possess, your biological virtuous signaling superiority; a kingdom built of rage safe space […]
White Whale -
Curse
Energy
Given freely
Is as breathing
For me
Understanding
Until now, ive had so much of it
But, frankly
I
Am
Utterly
Exhausted
I
Speak Truth
I
Endless hope
I
Set
Boundries
I
Don’t give up
……Why do I feel guilty?
Truth
I
am
prey
Human predators smell empathy
As
Sharks smell blood in the water
Allowing myself to be used
without equal reciprocity
Used
Endless cycle(s) of neglect
Affection to weapon
Sex to Weapon
Shrunk as weapon
Tool of endless emotional grounding
Control
Power
Stability
Comfort
I
Am
Tired
…….So very very tired
And I’m afraid
I
Have
Changed
I
Am
Broken
Victim
Survivor
Pariah
Empathy is a curse
©️ Jacob Pickard. 2026.
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EROHERETIC – Curve of your back 🔞
Ecoheretic We are just independent actors in a play with no audience.
EROHERETIC – Curve of your back 🔞 -
A Night Like This – The Cure
I’m coming to find you if it takes me all night
A witch hunt for another girl
For always and ever is always for you
Say goodbye on a night like this
If it’s the last thing we ever do
You never looked as lost as this
Sometimes it doesn’t even look like you
It goes dark
It goes darker still
Please stay
But I watch you like I’m made of stone
As you walk away
I’m coming to find you if it takes me all night
A witch hunt for another girl
For always and ever is always for you
Your trust
The most gorgeously stupid thing I ever cut in the world
Say hello on a day like today
Say it everytime you move
The way that you look at me now
Makes me wish I was you
It goes deep
It goes deeper still
This touch
And the smile and the shake of your head
I’m coming to find you if it takes me all night
Can’t stand here like this anymore
For always and ever is always for you
I want it to be perfect
Like before
I want to change it all
I want to change -
Christmas Mushroom is Disgruntled
Pissed off mushroom My favorite Christmas ornament got it last year on sale.
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Pariah in the company of Phantoms
I am Pariah
A life devoid of touch, love, passion, a pillar of rough-hewn granite, to make other’s lives more comfortable so they don’t have to feel guilt. A mirrored avatar to reflect what they want to see; taking responsibility for the cowardly acts of their Phantoms.
Selfish Ideological Narcissists, making victims that exist in the interstitial spaces, Acceptable losses in the war.
A living taboo, stigmatized, no one wants to touch this flesh, it is taboo made real.
Aged masculinty shattered into dull edges, ego ripped out, longtime ideological identity destroyed; the devouring mother’s hunger satiated.
I no longer want to try to identify with anyone, as anyone, or with any group. All are phantoms.
The gulf is now infinite. Not your spaces in-between, because nothing exists on either side.
Playing my part in the background, while the Phantoms roleplay; it’s the curse of total detached awareness & empathy. Pain hidden in the shadows, invisible to all.
Pariah is my rightful place, I am the sacrificial king: I will let this demon eat my soul.
……and I will REVEL in the consumption
One with the Pariah that haunts the
interstitial spaces
the Pariah that whispers to the
phantoms in your nightmares
©️ Jacob A. Pickard. 2025. Originally
published on SubStack.
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Is this me
I’ve been reluctant to share this one. The vulnerable parts of me in this water color are still part of me now.
Some people re-invent themselves, that is a skill I don’t possess. I carry everything because it’s me and good or bad I own it, and owing it is important. If you don’t own your choices, you make villians of others as an excuse for your actions. There is far to much of that in our world.
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Worse than dad jokes
I made these joke’s myself and i have this thing with wasting my brain cells thinking of stupid things. They are all terrible & I want to apologize in advance. I also have a real job, so don’t worry im not homeless or starving.
1. What do you call a prostitute that walks backwards?
2. What is the best state to by a Sconce in?
3. What is the name of a rave that only dwarfs can go to?
A picture of me wearing a croc
- A back hoe
- Wisconsin
- A Microrave
Cringe names for a bar:
1. The Stanky Taint
2. The Sleazy Uncle
3. The Crematorium (micro-brewery).
Cringe names for child care establishments:
- Child’s Play
- Mommy Dearest
- Crabby Crappers
- Diaper Don’s
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EROHERETIC – Bad Boy Blues 🔞
“I’m supposed to seduce, not the joker who writes this blog.” -
Honk Honk #03
I’ve gotten a little more sleep this week, but somehow, I am tireder. New Posts Books I finally finished I Hear You Watching by Zachary Dillon. This was a crazy ride from start to finish, based on the author’s own experiences hearing voices. Vulnerable, honest, funny, and scary sometimes. Zac is a great writer, and […]
Honk Honk #03 -
The Fate of Dictators
“We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.”
I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible; Jew, Gentile, black man, white, we all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness, not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there’s room for everyone and the good Earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way. Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed.
Charlie Chaplin: (00:40)
We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost. The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men, cries out for universal brotherhood for the unity of a soul.
Charlie Chaplin: (01:12)
Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world. Millions of despairing, men, women, and little children, victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people. To those are going to hear me, I say do not despair. The misery that is now upon us, but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress, the hate of men will pass and dictators die. And the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish.
Charlie Chaplin: (01:45)
Soldiers, don’t give you a sales to brutes. Men who despise you, enslave you, who regiment your lives, tell you what to do, what to think and what to feel. Who drill you, diet you, treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don’t give yourself to these unnatural men, machine men with machine minds and machine hearts. You are not machines. You are not cattle. You are men. You have the love of humanity in your hearts. You don’t hate. Only the unloved hate, the unloved and the unnatural.
Charlie Chaplin: (02:14)
Soldiers, don’t fight for slavery. Fight for liberty. In the 17th chapter of St. Luke it is written, “The kingdom of God is within man, not one man, nor a group of men, but in all man in you. You, the people, have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness. You, the people have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.
Charlie Chaplin: (02:36)
Then, in the name of democracy, let us use that power, let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work, that will give youth a future and old age of security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power, but they lie. They do not fulfill that promise. They never will. Dictators free themselves, but they enslave the people.
Charlie Chaplin: (02:59)
Now want to just fight to fulfill that promise. Let us fight to free the world to do away with national barriers, to do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness. Soldiers, in the name of democracy, let us all unite.
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Without Armor
Emotional armor is not a concept ive ever contemplated or a tool that I ever developed. Just words that others used to tell others, as if the words alone will protect you. I never really had much of it to begin with I’ve always been ultra-sensative growing up. I was easily bullied by boys, […]
Without Armor -
Chicken Wings
I read somewhere, i forgot were, that chicken wings are one of the most powerful aphrodisiac foods that exist. Who knew 🤷♂️.
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This Mortal Burden Chapter 1 – Dark Future Sci-Fi
The Colossus – Fransico Goya This is a long read. Just a quarter of this novel I wrote awhile ago. I cringe at some of it, because I was younger, with a great lack of wisdom. Although I think I caught detail of the action pretty well.
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Without Armor
Emotional armor is not a concept ive ever contemplated or a tool that I ever developed. Just words that others used to tell others, as if the words alone will protect you. I never really had much of it to begin with I’ve always been ultra-sensative growing up.
I was easily bullied by boys, girls, family, i would cry at the hint of being teased. “Wake up! Jacob! Put on your Makeup”, one of the earliest taunts on me for as long as i can remember.
Oh, it got results, on school busses, family gatherings, pretty much anywhere at any time. I was an open nerve to the world, beat up easily, reactionary at every taunt; getting me into fights, crying like a baby.
Oh, and I was a total sore loser too. I took losing personal. My failures at not being able to control my emotions and being shown that I couldn’t with relative ease like other people; it reflected to me, that I was lesser person, inferior to the stronger ones, zero selfesteem in myself for long stretches.
Having your selfesteem destroyed daily and then zero attention given to you by family, while they focused on my older sibling, well it’s not easy. Me, the well behaved quite son. Strong on the outside for my family, but an open nerve to the rest of the world.
I have grown up and I show little emotion in public or in stressful situations. In times of strife or emergency I become calm, hard as diamond, under pressure, but my mind was/and still is a daily battleground nobody ever cared to truly understand. It’s a learned detachment. I was conditioned to be strong on the outside for everyone else and I did it for myself to survive life. I do not belong, I have never belonged.
I wonder what it would be like if I was in a world of love, beauty, sex, and real connection; I’d imagine I’d be a happy person.
Not having emotional armor is because you are not given the chance to develop it; I’m pretty sure it is a reason why I developed anxiety/panic/dissociation disorder that manifested in my teen years (Oh, i did a lot of drugs too, probably held it off for a few more years my guess 😉 ).
I have been conditioned and have adapted outward, to focus on the state of others, either willingly or having it being thrust onto me in situations were you and the others around you, are constistantly focused on someone else’s emotional pain; you are left out, on the outside.If you ever said to yourself that you will
take on “another person’s pain or sadness”, asked the universe or your angels, demons, gods or goddesses, to take the “pain” onto you, you understand what I mean.I simply don’t want to see other people in pain, especially those I love. It exacts a heavy price. I have been conditioned to face the world, other people, issues, death, anger, sadness and all it’s cruelty head on. I dont shrink away unless it’s my own pain.
Those like me, have to face the world, and what it throws at us. We ingest the cruelty, the sadness and process it to move on to the next challenge. We don’t want to hate, we dont want to be filled with rage, we consume others sadness and anger, and transmute it.
My understanding is limitless as is my empathy. My desire for justice, equality, and equity fierce. My love is intense, and my logic cold and sharp, my passion endless. I exist in two worlds. A world detached from all emotion, also a world where i care for all. It makes me hard to love. I finally understood this fact earlier this year.
I think in layers and systems, in scale and time, my awareness is as immense as is my compassion. My mind is the product of emotional & functional adaptation to my environment, but really, I’m just survivor like everyone else in this hard cruel reality, were the fair is foul and the foul is fair.
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Balance
I don’t usually preface my prose, but I think this one is important that I explain. This peice comes at the end of a hard year plus of soul searching after acknowledging to myself that I was sexuslly assaulted. After nearly two years plus I buried it deep, but in the fall of 2024 on a cold morning while filling my car at Costco it all came back and hit me like bricks of ice. I barely made it through the day at work, but I did it somehow. All assault victims experience the same things, but men especially white men are given very little acceptance or grace by soceity as a whole, left & right ideologies judge heavy on your worth after, or even your right to claim victimhood in a world that wants you silent. It took most of the year to consider myself a survivor.
I guess its the times, but I have spent a very long time pondering aggreivment after being swallowed by it and spit out. The pull to hate and rage at those of the opposite sex was strong, some days it had consumed me. Too blame ALL women for the actions of a few, is absurd! I don’t want to be bitter or aggrieved, I think this poem captures the toxic cycle of aggreived victimhood. I had come to terms and this poem exposes what it is. Yours, Jake
Why does the bar tip the other way, while trying to equate and balance both sides?
to much weight on one pan
the fulcrum tilts, the beam always holds, the beam always wins
the villians are now the oppressed, the once oppressed villiansTransmutation of suffering into bitter rage
Alchemized survivor becomes the predator
Spittle & spite
Vengance so bright
Inferior to superior
Your Humanity now blight
My dear organizing systems forming entwining, no boundaries of the bottomless hunger
of self-righteous rage
the victims, the survivors
It doesnt matter to It who is in control, It doesnt care about justification, the thing exists.
Hoary worm of eons crushes bones, devours flesh, pukes blood, gnashing sinew, slurps guts, sucks entrails smashed
made into mash
Bulbous rot, engorging the gullet, suffering inside the gaping hole, digested birthing vile gas from the fermented bile of humanities sins
Orborus the obese worm, engorged distented on your suffering; prey-as-to-predator-to-victim-survivor-as-to-predator…as-to-victim…it’s the sweet….
…suffering
sweet…..
…sweet…….sufferingsuffering
©️ Jacob A. Pickard. 2025. -
Cacophony
Cacophony Album Cover – Rudementary Peni release 1988
A wall of sound, like a train into solid mountain granite
A cacophonic quartet of smashing rhythm
Surrounded by darkness and a halo of thin light.
The bar, black walls, stale smoke and beer
Illumination of execution by genocide, crucifixion for/of beliefs
Murder, letting of blood
Metamorphosis
Material to ethereal, body to spirit
Or some would call it glory, ascendancy of man to heaven
Cyclical thunderous melody, droning and blooming into monotonous complexity
Bombastic renewal of circles cycles, of intricate repetition.
The eye of Isis, the death and rebirth of Osiris. The annual flooding of the Nile.
Life is a system, the process of rearrangement of cyclical moving parts, like a wall of sound.
Written around ~1995 after seeing the band Neurosis at Okayz Corral in Madison, WI. It was so loud I couldn’t hear correctly for an entire week. ©Jacob A Pickard. 2025.
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Family
I know i dont blog on personal things often and some would say when i do im not serious.
Here are some of my relatives. Not to sure if you could pick me out.
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Strength
I’m stronger than you’ll ever be
Because, to endure and have your sanity, to make it so long, a clearly defined character, rock hard in its clarity
I am strength
hidden in the hot exhale of your breath
only seen in the cold void
when there is nothing left
©️ Jacob Pickard. 2025. -
Look Into my Eyes
Yup. Not at my prime yet, just still a little naive. Senior High school picture ~1992. Very supple, stoned often, punk not glam metal but I was forced to comb out my long flowing locks. I was 18, so yes legal. 😉
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ALIEN_RELAY 2.0 – A brief History of the 1000 year Republican Majority
A brief History of the 1000 year Republican Majority
ALIEN_RELAY 2.0 – A brief History of the 1000 year Republican Majority -
Absolute Favorite Song, Group, or type of music?
Okay people out there in WP land this is a difficult question and one that is very hard to answer.
It gets worse if you have diverse musical genres you enjoy and listening moods that you mold the music around your feelings or state at the time.
Personaly; punk, hardcore, metal, & rock have been my main as well as many of the sub-genera’s of them all. Dark wave, industrial, blues, Ambient, folk, Folk Nordic metal, old country and bluegrass. I also like classical, early rap, more jazzy hip-hop/trip-hop or political (here’s looking at you Public Enemy) rap. I’ve never much been into pop, but PJ Harvey, Lady Gaga & Billie Elish i have a soft spot for because of their voice, they speak their truth’s, and the dark feminine nature they exude (Check out Chelsea Wolf). Im not a swifty but I like that she speaks out her politics and stands her ground.
So I im going to try to answer one of the questions I asked above and of course it is not 100%, but my favorite band(s) of all time goes to CLUTCH. Every song is a story, the lyrics build it into a saga, and the music a foundation for a mythology.
I first saw them in my brother’s basement in Madison, WI. Everytime I see them it’s like meeting up with an old friend.
Released 1991
Released 1995
Released 1998
Released 2013
Released 2022
Clutch Clutch Album Cover 1995
Honorable mentions go to Carcass, The Dead Boys, Mastodon, Gwar, Godflesh, Boy Sets Fire, Paradise Lost, Subhumans, Grinch (west coast progressive hardcore), Bahaus, Circle Jerks, Black Flag, Amy Winehouse, The Cure, Beethoven, Curve, Public Enemy, Anthrax, Conflict, Brian Eno, Front Line Assembly, Skinny Puppy, Chelsea Wolf, Suldusk, Swallow the Sun, Red Fang, Melvins, My Bloody Valentine, Coil, etc…etc…etc…etc.…
Released 1986
Released 1992
Released 2019
Released 2006
Released 1991
Released 1977
So what do ally’all like? Can you answer this question?
Ecoheretic 